the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
