Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
