I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
