god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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