Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
