Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
