Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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