Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
