What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize