First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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