it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
