and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Be still, my beating vagina.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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