I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
