I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
