I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
honey bunches of taint.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
