Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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