New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
