I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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