Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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