We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
