I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
