My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
