You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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