i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
