I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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