the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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