I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
