I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
