my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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