I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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