Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
