At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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