Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
