i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
