Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
