I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
