If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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