Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
