I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Panties = found
Randomize
