I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
