I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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