It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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