tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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