I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
