well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
