I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
