I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
