I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
