why do cheetos always look like penises
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
