apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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