she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
