bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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