Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
