R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
