chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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