Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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