I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
