Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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