So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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