im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
