wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
time to smoke my breakfast
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize