Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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