How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
