I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
